I spent most of my childhood playing and living the best childhood I could have asked for. Getting into trouble with my brothers and friends. Building forts and playing all summer. I had a temper even then so I got into a lot of fights with my friends and others. It got me into a lot of trouble. Till I was 13 my life was pretty close to perfect. After 13 my life changed.
Looking back having such a perfect childhood was not really preparing me for real life. When life hit me I had no Idea how to react , no coping skills, and I collapsed. Sunk into a deep depression and fell apart. I married young to escape the nightmare that was D.W. and ended up starting a new one. Between my first husband cheating on me with the baby sitter , to my daughters dad beating me, well, Living with L.J my second husband was a stable retreat. I started rebuilding myself for myself and my kids.
I forgave my mother but I still carried a lot of anger toward her for what she had said to me when I told her about D.W. when I was 15. It was in 2000 just before we lost her to cancer when I finally fully forgave her. She opened up to me and enlightened me and yet again became my Hero. She was an amazing woman to me when I was young. Helping so many with their problems talking them through things. She and my daddy took care of countless families. Giving what they had to better the lives of so many. I had no idea the mistakes and the regret she carried around beating herself up about some very bad choices she made. In December of 2000 just after Christmas I sat at the edge of her bed and cried as I listened to my mother tell me about some things she was not proud of . Terrible choices she made when raising her first 4. She put money first and did anything to get it. I was horrified at the stories and I looked at her like I had just met a stranger. The woman she spoke of was not the same woman who raised my brother and I. My mother was not this terrible mom she was talking about? I am sure she could see the confusion on my face as she explained. When she met my father she started over in every sense of the word and so did my dad. They had both messed up and decided they would start from scratch.
My dad was 38 when my brother was born and mom 37. Two years later I came along. The doctors said mom couldn't get pregnant again so mom liked to call me her miracle baby. She told me how they changed their thinking, changed their life, and changed their heart. By the time she had my brother and I money was no longer the most important thing. It was family. My dad worked hard to take care of us and my mother worked hard at changing the world. I wanted to be like them both. I wanted to work for everything like my father and spend it all taking care of people like my mother. I watched night after night when my mother would be talking to people about their problems easing their pain as they cried on her shoulder. I was learning while sitting there beside her why she was able to give advice. She had lived through and had so many regrets. She told me that she tried so hard to protect me from bad things and when I told her about D.W she went into denial. She didn't want to believe it happened because it meant she failed again. It happened anyway and she said she felt like everything she did to change was for nothing. NOT for nothing Mother... It was for me and my daughter. I learned I was at least the third generation of women in our family with violent anger issues, directed mostly toward men. I worked the 12 step program and recovered from my anger addiction. My daughter didn't grow up watching my get violent like I had seen. She gets angry but not violent. I broke the cycle with both of my children. That conversation with mother helped me more than anything in this world. Even at 40 you are not too old to change yourself, to start new, and change your life.
I was so depressed when I lost my kids. I didn't want to breathe, I didn't want to live, and I hated to smile. I heard once," force a smile and see what happens to the people around you. " So I did, I forced a smile every morning when I left the house. People responded with a smile. Before too long it got easier and easier. I knew I had to change myself for my daughter like my mother did for my brother and I. I educated myself in people. I became stronger and a good listener. Finding out just how much people really do need each other to heal and grow.
Acceptance was a big issue for most as well including me.
Somewhere in all that mess I figured out that no matter how bad life got sometimes I was really lucky to be a part of it. I had a huge opportunity to help others. It wasn't very often that I let people know what I had gone through. No instead I just reached out to people. Offered a smile when people were angry. I made it a mission to give a smile to everyone who came into my life. Even if they were just passing through. I would compliment this woman on her dress, that man on his watch, or the cashier on their name. I would sit eagerly waiting to hear the story to follow, to see if the dress was a bargain or a gift. If the watch was given to them by their grandfather or if their great great grandparent shared their name. Smiles healed me and the stories educated me.
I stopped to read a poem from a mans pocket once. He had taken it out to have a man read it. The man said he didn't understand it. He cried there in the store when he heard me explain what the poem meant. He said I was the only one so far who understood. I encouraged him to keep writing because the only one it needs to make sense to, was him.
My neighbor once said I go around spreading pixie dust on people. Giving the happy thoughts and taking them briefly to a happy place. I liked that... I don't know that I am like Peter pan because I need my parents but I do not want to grow up. I want to spread Pixie dust and happy thoughts. It makes me happy to make people smile, so that's what I do.
I thank the Lord everyday for who I became and I am a better mother, friend, sister and daughter because of all that I learned and I am still learning.
Try spreading Pixie dust and see what happens. :)
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