If you love me, Why do you hit me?

I just read a blog from a woman who is like a sister to me. We are alike in a lot of ways. At one time we looked a lot alike which is one of the reasons D.W said he chased after her. He once told me that the fact she was an artist also reminded him of me. So a part of me may carry a little guilt from the terror she later survived.

My parents had searched all over the place looking for a good school for my handicapped little bubba T.C and Shawnee had some of the best resources so here we ended up. They had bought a nice big 4 bedroom house so there was plenty of room for all of us kids.

I was 13 when my mother took him in, it was not long after we had moved here to Shawnee. In my 20's I remember starting the phrase that my mother liked to take in strays. My mother helped a lot of people and had a big heart with plenty of room for one more. At that time mom had taken in Robbie and D.W. Add them to my other brothers and there were a total of 5 boys. Yep I was out numbered. Our new house here in Shawnee had burnt down in the winter just before my 14th birthday, my dad gave my mom the choice to buy a very nice double wide or rebuild. Mom chose to rebuild bigger and better but while the house was being built we would need a place to live right? So they bought a little 2 bedroom house 2 doors down. If you have been paying attention there are now 6 kids and 2 adults living in a small 2 bedroom house. That's where my terror started.

D.W. was 2 years older than I was and needless to say he was more experienced. The first time he touched me was at my grandmas house and he said," I know you don't like it but you'll get use to it." ...Looking back now... Get Use to it ??? WTF It wasn't very long after that I ended up in a relationship of sorts? I was 13 and now playing house, for real. My father was a very hard worker and would be gone a week at a time and my mother was now fighting depression and was spending a lot of her time shopping, gambling, and counseling others in AA and Alateen. She was gone a lot. So my affair with D.W. carried on without notice for almost 2 years. I was in love and just knew we were going to stay together forever. (looking back at that thought just makes me laugh now) He was now 17 and had started drinking more and more. Going to parties and having a good ol' time in high school. I was in the 8th grade playing the house wife getting ready to go into high school. He yelled at me one night about how he couldn't trust me with the high school boys. Then 2 days later he came home with a ring of hickies around his neck. He had cheated on me with the girl down the street. I was heart broken and I called it off.

He did not take me breaking up with him well at all. He would come on to me, making advances toward me. I learned quickly that it was either , fight him or F**k him. I got pretty good at fighting because of him and that would cause me to pay the ultimate price later. Hmm, let me see... There were too many fights to tell about them all but there are a few I have scars from. He knocked me through the bathroom wall once when I refused to kiss him, the 2"x4" ripped a piece of the skin on my left shoulder. He tried to hug me once in the living room and when I yanked away from him, he grabbed my arm and slammed me into the door way. Then picked me up and threw me about 4 ft. It was the bunk bed that stopped me and I hit it hard. There were screws on the side I had hit and they tore me in 3 places as I slid down them. It seemed like it took forever for the bleeding to stop. One of the worst fights took place in the house next door to our little house. We had moved there briefly when the neighbors had moved away. The big house was taking more money than my parents had expected so there we were still trying to make the best of it. D.W came in to my room and I was in the closet picking out my clothes, he came from behind trying to pin me there in the closet, pulling at the clothes I had on. I ducked out and as I was trying to open the door to run when he grabbed me and threw me across the room. I guess throwing my tiny 98 lb body was becoming a favorite thing for him. I hit the edge of my twin sized home made wooden framed bed right across the 2'x4' edge. He came over and grabbed me, we ended up on the floor and he was trying really hard to push himself on me. Trying to kiss me, I was screaming and crying and trying to punch him. I managed to reach the cord to my boombox and pulled it down on top of his head. For those of you who don't know what a boombox was, It's a large portable radio with duel cassette about 2 feet in length and mine weighed quite a bit. It hit him just hard enough for me to get out from under him and run out of the house. I hid till mom came home. The next day there were huge bruises on my butt from where I had hit the bed. Hair pulling, busted lips, and tossing me around was getting to be an everyday thing. He was worse when he had been drinking.

When I was about 15 1/2 when he came home very drunk and started trying to make out with me. I fought him off till he started punching me. I went numb all over and just laid there crying till he passed out on me. I pushed him off me and went to the bathroom and curled up in a tub of very hot water, crying quietly as not to wake him and provoke him into hurting me again. I had a bad experience when I was 6 where I got badly burnt by the water coming out of the shower so bathes became a comfort zone for me and still are.

After that day I cried and shook almost every time I saw him. He came toward me one night and I took off running. Screaming at him to stay away from me. I ran and ran trying to crawl through barbed wire fencing. I ripped both my legs open on the barbed wire fence. Then I felt someone grab my feet. My big brother T. thought his little sister was going crazy so he helped D.W catch me that night. All I remember is crying and screaming rape over and over again, I had no idea it was my big bubba T who had a hold of me, I thought it was D.W. The cops came and rescued me and I still told no one.

About a month after that one of my friends had came forward saying that D.W had raped her. I stood up for her and defended her. No one understood why I would defend her since she had been known to make up lies. I decided it was time to tell mom why I knew he was capable of such an act. I remember it so well, her response... "It takes 2 to tango." My mom up to that point had been one of my hero's. I was crushed. My friend came out and said she lied and now I was standing alone seemingly in the dark facing a monster no one believed really was a monster. That happened again later in my life with another man. Shortly after telling mom about D.W and her making me feel like it was just as much my fault as it was his, I ran away. I was picked up by the police and taken to the hope house and kept for a few nights. I told mom it was either him or me. That summer I had to move to my sisters.

When school started back up I tried to go back. I also had a boyfriend B.L. and a few very close friends in Shawnee that I missed. It was not the smartest choice I have ever made. I had nightmares and anger problems that caused me to be disrespectful to my sister and everyone else for that matter. So I thought it would be best to move back.

My stomache turned and I started getting the shakes every time I saw him. I just couldn't live with that terror everyday. Now 16, I told my mom I was moving out. She tried to stand in my way and tried to get me to hit her. I just moved her out of the way and as I was leaving she was yelling out what about little bubba T.C. I looked back at her and remember saying, "I guess you are going to have to play mom now because I am finished. Besides I didn't adopt him, you did." It hurt me so bad to walk away from T.C but I had to.

I moved in with C.B and her mother out in Earlsboro and that's where I met D.D who soon became my first husband.

At some point in my marriage, word had gotten back to me that D.W was with a girl who looked a lot like me. They all said he's just trying to replace you. He even said to someone that he still loved me. I worried about her alot but I had no idea even what her name was at the time. I tried to block him out and live my own life with my new husband and soon to be, new baby.

It's a boy! Oh what a happy day that was. I was living the American dream. Till my husband started staying out late and coming home drunk. I was 18 and didn't even have my drivers license yet. My husband was 5 years older than I was and he knew very little about D.W except that he was drunk the night he raped me. So he should have known that just the smell of beer on a man made me sick and it tore open those not so old wounds. I hated the smell of alcohol, I could feel the crushing weight of him again pinning me there making it hard to breathe, just by the smell. One night my husband came home and was trashed. I smelled him as he came toward me. I screamed and ran from him but looking back it was not him I was running from. I hid beside the water bed headboard crying and repeating please don't hurt me. D.D grabbed my arm to pull me out from beside the headboard causing me to hit my head on the corner, I went black for a second. I freaked out, screaming don't touch me and Running away from him. He got in my way at one point and tried to stop me from leaving pushing me backward, I hit the edge of the door behind me and fell to the floor. I saw red and came up swinging. I was not going to let another man hurt me. I tried but I couldn't leave him because we had a son together. The worst part was now every time we started arguing I started hitting before he had the chance to hit me.

Yep, you guessed it. I became the abuser. I fought with my husband off and on for 6 years till my son got in the middle of one of our fights trying to protect me and D.D slung my baby boy against the wall to get him out of the way. I had never seen D.D hurt my boy and I knew that the only reason D.D hurt him that day was because of me. So I decided to leave, for mine and my sons own good. D.D let me and my baby stay in the house but the fighting didn't stop. I fought time and time again with D.D during the divorce. Ah and I forgot to mention D.W resurfaced through drunken calls from Germany saying he was coming home to me. Scared, confused, terrorized, and heart broken I continued fighting with my soon to be exhusband. Resulting in me getting arrested for assaulting him, the charges were later dropped but the damage was done. There I was the violent crazy mother with a criminal history. I couldn't prove I would never hurt my son so the judge gave D.D custody. Looking back I carry no blame on the judge knowing what was presented to him.

D.D kept me from seeing my son and I had no money to take it back to court to enforce the visitations. Now introducing Monster number 2. Oh he seemed like such a good man. Till the door closed... Stronger, meaner and smarter this man was who you warn your kids about and I was pregnant with his baby before I figured that out. I bowed up to CN after seeing him knock his 4 year old son down by hitting him in the back of the head just because he got in the way of the tv, yep that caused the first big violent fight of many. I broke up with C.N after he tackled me trying to make me miscarry my baby because he didn't want more children. He tried this again with another woman and ended up successful when she actually miscarried her baby a few days later.

I moved away from CN and moved in with L.J a man who made me a better offer. We were married within 3 months. This made both of my exes really mad. Funny thing is my ex D.D had used C.N as an excuse to keep me away from my son and then during my custody battle with CN My sons dad D.D let him move in with him. Yep, My Daughters dad CN moved in with my sons dad D.D. When I went to court they had made up some really impressive lies and it was 2 against one. I lost custody of my baby girl to that monster. I found out a few years later that My sons dad actually wanted custody of my baby girl and thought if he helped CN get her it would be easier to get her away from him. Sad thing is, he enabled my baby girl to get abused for so many years because of his selfishness. I reported the abuse to DHS child welfare but they kept saying he is such a good daddy. They told me I was just angry because I lost custody. My baby girl would not speak up for fear of what he would do if he found out she talked.

I was in a very bad depression. I opened a thrift store because I couldn't keep a job anywhere else. I became my own boss, I used the store to learn about people. I started talked to people. Women, men and children. Listening mostly, about life and all the bad things that happened to people of all sorts. I found out that what I went through and what my daughter was going through was nothing compared to what some women survived. It opened my eyes to the fact I needed to redo my life. My thinking abd most of all I needed to get rid of my temper if I ever stood a chance of saving my daughter from her father. So, I started the 12 step program to heal and to get rid of my anger issues. Part of that healing process was asking forgiveness from those you had harmed. D.D. thought I was trying to get back together with him? EWE. Then came the hardest part confronting those who have wronged you. I had to confront D.W the man who started this domino effect. I just happened to see him working on a house one day. I passed him by, then backed up and got out of the car. I tore into him about how he hurt me. I took the power he had over me back and I watched him cry. I felt relief that I gave him what I carried for so long. Over all It took about 5 years to recover from my anger addiction and my depression but I did it. I divorced L.J aka my better offer and I started new.

My daughters dad was threatened by the judge during one of the times he had taken me back to court trying to keep me on the defense. My girl was around 5 year old and After that C.N stopped hitting my baby girl and started hitting his girlfriend and her son. During one of their fights he pinned her down while she was pregnant and started punching her in the stomach till she miscarried. The baby came out in the toilet a few days later and he took the dead fetus and showed my 6 year old little girl and his girlfriends 5 year old son. Being a victim of the abused spouse syndrome she stayed and ended up having a baby girl by him. When the girl was 2 she left , to save them both. The girl is living with grandma and mom 1/2 the time and dad the other 1/2. A week on, a week off. So keep her in your prayers that she will be saved from the terror my baby lived through.

My daughter was terrified of going to court because of what he might do to her so I promised her I would not push her to talk. She came to me when she was ten and decided she could handle testifying against her dad. I took her to my attorney and after 10 minutes she came out crying. I asked her again are you sure you want to do this and she said she would be ok. She might be a little emotional but she could deal with her emotions. It was by the grace of God that she didn't have to testify. We were assigned a guardian Ad litem named Allan Grubb who won her over pretty quickly to where she was able to talk to him about things she really couldn't talk to anyone else about except me. Between than and the fact that During one of their talks C.N admitted to Allan there was domestic violence between him and the step mom in the recent past, along with the house being very bad. We won without going to court. After all those years I saved her.

You know there are so many more things that happened with CN but my daughter doesn't need to hear them. I posted only the things she knew about or experienced first hand. She once told me her dad was a bad man. I corrected her and said there are parts of him that are good and those are the parts you got. She loves her daddy and she knows he needs help. She never gives up hope that he can get better and be better but realistically I think we both know the answer to that. Especially after he just got into a fight with the new girlfriend.